Tender. Too much. Tuning in.
- Aug 7
- 15 min read
Updated: Aug 9
Writing about nothing in particular, just for the pure joy of writing. Pen to paper, thoughts spewing onto the page Shall we?
I love writing with all my heart. And yet it's been almost 2 months since my last blog post. How is that even possible? My intention for as long as I can recall has been to write as often as I can, daily if I'm honest.
And yet on the daily most of my writing seems to be in the form of scribbled to do lists or reminders of things I dare not forget.
This morning I wrote in my journal, about nothing in particular, just for the pure joy of writing. Pen to paper, thoughts spewing onto the page. This post is shaping up to feel a little the same, I don't really have a plan or anything in particular that I want to share - what I'm predicting however is that once I unlock the vault, all the juicy (to me) stuff in this moment will spew forth. I'm not entirely sure what direction it will take. I'm up for it if you are x
FULL DISCLOSURE : I normally work with a wonderful local editor called Jenni (who I meet in person from time to time). I've been engaging Jenni's services for 2 years now, I pay her by the hour, it's money well spent - she's a wondeful human, she gets me AND is passionate about my Why. Having her there allows me to free write with a vague structure and Jenni pulls it all together in a way that feels flowy and maintains the guts of my message and mission. Jenni is busy with summer holidays, 2 young children, single parenting, selling the family home and buying another, AT CAPACITY basically! Jenni isn't available to edit until September. And so I'm going for it, I'll edit as best I can then share it in it's rough and ready glory. I refuse to run it through an AI machine (remember I've sworn never to use AI in the creation of these blogs - something that really matters to me). And before you read any further, I want to thankyou for joining me on the full Bron Tutty writing ride! xx
Easing back into 'normal'...or at least I thought
On Monday evening I dropped my son to one of his 'regular weekly' basketball training sessions, they've started back as we approach the end of the summer holidays.
This came after a failed attempt at dropping him at another club this morning - only, it turned out it wasn't starting until tomorrow.
I imploded!!! Wondering how after almost a full day at the start of the summer, and planning the logistics of the summer basketball schedule I could have gotten it wrong?.
I unravelled.
Could have done without the hasty exit from the house and 25 minute drive to get him there in time, and with no plan B I needed silence while my brain rattled around trying to make sense of the mix up. I decided to park at a random spot, get out of the car and walk in hopes of feeling calmer and being ok with the curveball. I could have been packing for our England trip, painting another fence panel. Charlie then started his negotiations with me about feeling stressed and needing screen time (on what was decided would be a screen free day), that always tips me over.
We walked in search of hot chocolate - something to focus on, hoping to soften the blow, essentially encouraging comfort eating in a time of distress. Needs must. He was upset, yet my frustration took over - leaving little space for his. :(
Next stop the pharmacy to investigate a tick whose head was still buried in my upper thigh - which could possibly explain discrepancies in how I've been feeling?. Prescribed antibiotics and booked in to see Dr for a blood test first thing tomorrow.
NEWSFLASH: I've not taken a pharmaceutical antibiotic in over 20 years (on purpose). I shared my concerns on antibiotics with the pharmacist and when he said 'you don't want to muck around if you do have Lymes'. I promptly decided to take them, and 5 days worth of pills I was prescribed. Also, I've heard too many horror stories about Lymes Disease and haven't any spare pages for horrors in my own story.
Room for wonder
I had a call scheduled with a gorgeous long term Irish friend that same afternoon, I won't lie, I wanted to cancel, I was still partway through the spiral.
We love musing over all the wonders, the whys, the subtleties and the matterings' in moments.
It's in our conversations and times spent together that we open up our inner worlds for witnessing and unpack any headline news.
And then a glorious thing happens; we leave, digest, marinade and distil our main takeaways, it's really quite delightful, and generally feels like a really great use of my life.
We've been talking for years about collaborating on something. Today we had an initial conversation about how this could look. Don't worry, you'll know when we nut it out a little more.
We agreed there would be no time frame on what we're doing, we got a little clear on must haves and must not haves and that we'd see where a series of conversations and life might lead us. No more pressure than that.
It felt creative, wonderful, expansive and full of possibility. I need this wonder in my life. Somewhere to share about that which I care and where there is freedom to tune into the sound of sweet significance within and around me.
Little lives matter
I've always had a radar for the little ones, and of late probably in part inspired by the upcoming course of SHINE A Deeper Journey, my small person scanner has been tuning in a little closer when they're around.
Especially as my little person approaches the bridge of adolescence and I attune to his needs for me to ever so gently move away for positive male role models to move closer (a beautiful work in progress I'm co-ordinating in the background).
I'm doing my very best to be tuned in enough as a parent/trusted adult and tuned out enough to honour where I'm at; to be mindful of not tipping too far into depletion zone, (the way I did when I unravelled on Monday - which I gave my best shot at repairing by the way).
It's a constant juggle, and if you know you know.
As a rule, I do my best to remember that every action we take matters - be it a positive or painful one.
I've been more intentionally holding space for young ones to have their precious voices heard in a room full of noise. It feels special. It feels important. I know it matters.
It comes in the form of holding a childs gaze whilst someone older answers a question for them, or when a very loving parent speaks up on a childs behalf for how they feel, or in a room full of standing adults moving closer to a child sat alone on a sofa; looking around at all the grown ups speaking in a way that somehow excludes them, like the back and forth of tennis almost.
Of course I'm partial to a round of tennis too/conversing with another/other adults when my son/children are in the room, and they're on the bench observing for much of it. That's ok, it's life - AND, I see this as a precious time sensitive gift to stop and pay attention to those little lives and the time for me to act is often in those moments. Nothing grandeur, subtle and simple and that feels absolutely right.
Perhaps AND most likely this dates back to being a child myself.
Experiencing all those things I've described above and not being able to name it.
Of feeling like a piece of drift wood lost at sea on an ocean that joins another, should I do this or that, should I listen to that conversation or that one over there, what am I meant to be doing, have I missed something important, god I hope no one asks me a question - I can't keep up. For those times I answered but there wasn't enough space in the room for me to finish my sentence, or the times I said something, anything just to feel like I'm part of the conversation then develop a reputation for being random, or dear lord the times I said I knew something when I really didn't - like when years back a partner I'd been with for 2 years asked me something about the politics of NZ and I made up something like I actually knew! I hadn't a flipping scoobie! Testament to saying something, anything in an attempt to fit in. I wonder if I would still do that now, possibly yes.
I see young people doing it around me all the time, wanting to look like they're an expert in something they're clearly not. It's kinda cute (as a 5-10 year old ;) but, when you're 50 something gets to change. This is one of the things I love about coaching, it's a safe space to interrogate the habits that follow us through our lives, through my life.
And yes, of course, my passion and drive to attune to the young most definitely comes from my own lived experience.
This is in large part one of the potent reasons for why creating the SHINE program was so important to me.
Through experiencing first hand the intensity of being a first time parent, a high conflict break-up then being a single parent for most of sons 12 years.
This is not an invitation to my pity party - there were countless intentional decisions along the way and by and large I trust it was meant to be this way for me and for us, life is good.
Far away from home (NZ) figuring it out along the way in alignment to my inner wisdom and intuition.
I had the option of putting up with what life offered, the systems, services and social structures - that frankly seldom met the full spectrum of our needs.
I'm also certain that there were/are other services/supports that I never even knew existed, that's part of the 'load', figuring out what's out there and making time to investigate what might work - alongside doing life, oftentimes it felt easier to just push on with things as they are.
And, many times I reached out, I did something different again and again and again.
I engaged a sensory occupational therapist
My son spent time with a wonderful tutor for 1-3 hours every week during Home schooling days and transitioning back into school
A paediatric/family therapist for both my son and I
Various body workers
A herbalist
Of late a village of males to support my son through his transition into adolescence
And so on.....
I changed my sons nurseries until we found the perfect configuration (2 years, 4 nurseries)
Flexi schooling between 2-3 days per week for the first 2 years,
Home schooled for one year
Shifted to a smaller school further away (5hrs driving per week)
Gently increased days per week at school in the lead up to High School
When challenges came up at school, I tried to see them as opportunities for growth rather than simply problems to fix. That meant having the awkward conversations, doing the difficult things, and cheerleading him to find his voice, speak up and see the bigger picture. Because it’s rarely just about the “thing” that happened — there’s usually so much more underneath: feelings, needs, perspectives and experiences waiting to be understood. Often what resulted was really positive for not only my son but for the other teachers and children involved (and their parents).
Sending my son to Italy for a week with upwards of 60 strangers he'd never met, and half of them speaking Italian - my approach to stress testing him for his upcoming transition to High School (going from a school of 20 something to 1600!!!) - you can read more about that here Following the nudge: A mother, a son, a season of growth & Italy.
Cheerleading him to join 2 different fife Basketball Clubs and driving 6+hrs per week!
I hand on heart believe that the person I'm living with now (my son) is undeniably braver, more confident, more self aware, and more prepared for the world had I not made those decisions. Decisions that were never easy - EVERYTHING has always been met with resistance. AND it seems evident that enough trust and resilience has built and most things are becoming easier. Other's who've known us for years have noticed, so much has shifted for the better. It would be wrong not to acknowledge that he is also approaching adolescence, so maturity is most certainly playing a part in this.
Crikey, I thought I'd finished with this section, and here comes another reflection.
I’ve changed too
I've slowed down, let go, tuned in and stopped.
It can't be ignored just how much of an impact that must be having on him.
Growing up with a busy, over thinking, creative, former people pleasing, single mum I know has presented him with challenges, which I like to call 'growth opportunities'.
And for sure I'm tuned into him and have adapted the environment around us to suit what we need but at the core I'm still wired the way I am.
Suffice to say, menopause hit, incredible pains in my physical body alongside becoming a full time single parent. There was no option but to slam on the brakes.
My sons wellbeing, my wellbeing and the wellbeing of our relationship has thrived as a result.
So despite being a wild ride, menopause has presented me, my son and our life many positives. Ultimately feeling love for where it’s brought us to - here - now.
Too much. Time to stop.
I lost the plot last weekend, it all felt too much so whilst shelling the broad beans (ingredients for a dip I wanted to make and take to a girls sleepover at my pals) I collapsed on the couch and cried and cried and cried, everything felt like too much, my body hurt, I was feeling the weight of everything and I had no option but to stop, drop and cry.
Charlie (my son) comforted me - offering cups of tea, covered me in a soft fluffy blanket and squeezed my arm, then asked 'is there something I can do to help you'. (yes - he's been in training for years, this stuff doesn't come natural to some). He's also a sweet, feeling rich kid and in that moment all I needed was him near and asking nothing of me and pouring a little TLC onto my cup.
I contemplated cancelling my weekend plans (and chucking the broad beans in the compost!) but with a little support from my friends managed to go. I phoned a friend and she lovingly told me to ''forget everything except running a bath - to get in it and reassess''
I sent my willing son upstairs to draw the bath while determined not to be beaten by them I took back control from the broad beans.
Fast forward to when Mondays Basketball fiasco unfolded I felt I was left with little option but to cancel some plans for later that week. Packing a car full of camping supplies for 4 nights and a 16hr return drive to England plus a child to engage in the process, the kindest thing to do for the two of us felt like cancelling.
Gutting, as it was my glorious pal Laura's first Wild & Rooted festival that we would miss :( I could write a book about how big that decision was!
'forget everything except running a bath - get in it then reassess'.
My system needed a reboot before the unthinkable happened....quite possibly the spiral of all spirals, we'll never know (thankfully).
Time & space the greatest of healers
It's Friday now, so much has shifted. I would love to tell you about that - so maybe in the coming week with more basketball camps and a little space for the keyboard I may well write more, now that all the time hijacking of last week is out the way (unexpected day hospital admission to investigate the the head of a tick, false starts at basketball and 2 emergency dental appointments).
Maybe I'll write here again next week - I'd love that so much.
In summary:
I don't have Lymes disease.
I've stripped all inflammatory and high oxalate foods (I really really really need to write and share more on this topic).
Taken 5 days of anti-biotics (AND am taking 2 strains of ProBiotics to maintain good gut health - please do the same if you ever take AntiBiotics).
Not taken an anti-inflammatory since Monday!! (been taking them for the past year, and bi-daily), there's less pain in my body, I'm feeling rested and I've been moving my body (gym, swimming and back to Salsa/Bachata lesson) - This is a PHENOMENAL shift!!!!
I've hauled my sons pre-teen ass into Edinburgh twice to check out Edinburgh Fringe fun.
We've had a couple of fence painting sessions (only 18 panels to go.....sigh).
I've written this blog post.
Got the ball rolling with my upcoming in person Shine A Deeper Journey course starting 14th September - more on that below.
Finally, the only times I've cried is when listening to a song a friend sent me So Long Honey, Caamp which is the sweetest soul tingling song I've heard in a long time.
SHINE More Than a Programme – A Space for children (& their families) to Belong
SHINE – A Deeper Journey has been created from far more than qualifications and professional training.
It has been shaped by years of walking alongside my own son, navigating the joys and challenges of raising a deeply feeling, wonderfully unique child. It has been shaped through my own healing journey, the wisdom gathered in communities that have welcomed me exactly as I am, and through countless hours supporting children, families and adults as me and professionally as a trauma-informed transformational coach.
I've often found myself thinking, "I wish there were more intimate, safe and supportive spaces for our children and their families in these tender years when needed most."
Perhaps what I was imagining didn't exist because I first had to live the journey that would one day allow me to create it.
This is the program my younger self would have thrived in.
A place where both parent/s or caregivers and child feel held.
A place where children don't need to perform, compete, mask or fit themselves into someone else's expectations.
A place away from the constant noise, screens, comparisons and pressure of modern life.
Instead, they are given something increasingly rare...
Time.
Space.
Connection.
Permission simply to be.
Within a small, carefully held group, each child is seen, heard and celebrated for exactly who they are. Together we explore movement, creativity, emotional wellbeing, self-awareness and practical tools that help children better understand themselves and the world around them.
Alongside this, parents and caregivers receive individual coaching because when one member of a family grows, the whole family benefits. Supporting the adults who support the child creates change that extends far beyond our sessions together.
I truly believe that when we create a safe, containing space for one child and their family, the ripple reaches far beyond what any of us could ever achieve alone. It spreads into homes, schools, friendships, future generations and the wider community.
This is how meaningful change begins.
One child.
One family.
One ripple at a time.
What's Included
SHINE – A Deeper Journey is a 10-week program with a 2-week integration break, giving families time to absorb, tune in and embody what they're learning.
The investment includes:
* Eight 90-minute child-only group sessions (maximum of four children)
* Two hours of 1:1 trauma-informed coaching for a parent or caregiver (30–60 minute sessions online or in person in Burntisland at Solus Holistic or in the summer house in my garden)
* A midway typed progress update
* A detailed completion report with personalised recommendations
* Ongoing encouragement, resources and practical tools to support lasting change.
The investment is £599 per child/family.
If you're already working with any of the practitioners, therapists or service providers at Solus Holistic, you'll receive 10% off, bringing the investment to £540.
To put that into perspective, my individual coaching is normally £120 per 45-minute session, meaning the parent coaching alone represents around £320 of value. The remaining investment covers 12 hours of specialist work with your child in an intimate group of just four participants, along with personalised reports and the thoughtful preparation that goes into creating a deeply supportive experience.
I know there are easier ways to run programs.
Larger groups.
Less individual attention.
Less follow-up.
That's not what SHINE is about.
This program has intentionally been designed to remain small because every child deserves to be truly known, not simply managed.
My hope is that every child leaves with a stronger connection to themselves, greater confidence in who they are, and the knowledge that their sensitivity, curiosity, creativity and uniqueness are not things to fix—they are gifts to understand, nurture and celebrate.
Because the world doesn't need children who become better at hiding who they are.
It needs children who feel safe enough to become fully themselves.
If this has stirred something in you, and you have any questions or want support to gently explore how SHINE might be a fit for the little person in your (or someone else's life), please get in touch by responding to this email or emailing me directly at bronwyntutty@gmail.com.
Excited to see what happens next.
With you in it, always.
Bron xx
A gentle invitation for you, the reader
If you're still here I'd LOVE to hear a few words on how this post has landed with you minus the professional editing :) Constructive feedback is always welcome. I've also 0 interest in continuing as my own editor.
Incase you forgot to remind yourself today, you matter and you deserve to SHINE. X
To stay in touch in a space where everyone is welcome, sign up to my newsletter at www.bronwyntutty.com, I share an occasional newsletter, irregular 'Tutty's Top 3 Takeaways' & blog posts and exciting news about programs and events.
If it’s something in-person that you're after, I am a Trauma Informed Transformational Coach and I'm hooked on coaching! If this interests you, why not book in for a free online 45 minute 1-2-1 discovery call.
#BronwynTutty #TraumaInformedCoaching #ShineADeeperJourney #TransformationalCoaching #HolisticWellbeing #HealingTogether #SuperhumanKids #SensitiveChildren #HighlySensitiveKids #NeurodivergentChildren #ChildWellbeing #ParentingWithCompassion #ConnectedParenting #RaisingResilientKids #BelongingMatters
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