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Tender. Too much. Loving. Tuning in.

  • 2 days ago
  • 12 min read

Have you ever felt something end, change or shift, and found yourself trying to think your way through it rather than grieve it?


I love writing with all my heart. And yet it's been almost 2 months since my last blog post. How is that even possible? My intention for as long as I can recall has been to write as often as I can, daily if I'm honest.


And yet on the daily most of my writing seems to be in the form of scribbled to do lists or reminders of things I dare not forget.


This morning I wrote in my journal, about nothing in particular, just for the pure joy of writing. Pen to paper, thoughts spewing onto the page. This post is shaping up to feel a little the same, I don't really have a plan or anything in particular that I want to share - what I'm predicting however is that once I unlock the vault all the juicy (to me) stuff in this moment will spew forth . I'm not entirely sure what direction it will take. I'm up for it if you are x


And so it is.


Easing back into 'normal'...or at least I thought

I dropped my son 45 minutes ago to his basketball training session, they're starting back up now we're nearing the end of the summer holidays. This came after a failed attempt at dropping him at the other clubs basketball academy running 4 days this week - which is turns out doesn't start till tomorrow. I imploded wondering how after almost a full day of planning the logistics of the summer basketball schedule I could have gotten it so wrong. I unravelled. Definitely could have done without the hasty exit from the house and 25 minute drive to get him there in time then with no plan B decided to park at a random spot, get out of the car and walk in hopes of feeling calmer and being ok with the curveball. We walked in search of hot chocolate for my son - hoping to soften the blow, essentially encouraging comfort eating in a time of distress. Needs must. He was upset, yet my frustration took over - leaving little space for his. :(


Next stop the pharmacy after being sign posted by the GP to investigate a long standing tick overstayer explaining possible discrepancies in how I've been feeling. Prescribed antibiotics and booked into see Dr for a blood test first thing tomorrow.


NEWSFLASH: I've not taken a pharmaceutical antibiotic in over 20 years (on purpose). I shared my concerns on antibiotics with the pharmacist and took his word for it when he said 'you don't want to muck around if you do have Lymes'. I won't know for sure until I get blood results AND I've taken 2 pills already AND feel surprisingly at peace with it. Heard too many horror stories about Lymes Disease and haven't any spare pages for horrors in my own story. I'll hear more soon, and at the rate of these Blogs by the time I post the next one it'll hopefully be a distant memory.


Room for wonder

I had a call scheduled with a gorgeous long term Irish friend of mine. We love musing over all the wonders, the whys, the subtleties and the matterings in moments. It's in our conversations and times spent together that we open up our inner worlds for witnessing and unpack the significant moments since we last spoke (that we can remember, we're both in menopause after all!) - and then a glorious thing happens, we leave, digest, marinade and distil our main takeaways from our time together, it's all things life affirming and masterful. We've been talking for years about wanting to collaborate on something in some way. Today we had an initial conversation about how this could look. Again, you'll know when we nut it out a little more. The delicious part about our conversation is that we each agreed there would be no time frame on what we're doing, we got a little clear on must haves and must not haves and that we'd see where a series of conversations and life might lead us. No more pressure than that. It felt creative, wonderful, expansive and full of possibility. I need this wonder in my life. Somewhere to share about that which I care and where there is freedom to tune into the sound of sweet significance within and around me.


Little lives matter

I've always had a radar for the little ones, and of late my small person scanner has been getting an internal nudge to tune in a little closer when they're around. Especially as I observe my little person approaching the bridge of adolescence. I'm doing my very best to be tuned in enough as a parent/trusted adult and tuned out enough to honour where I'm at; to be mindful of not tipping too far into depletion zone, (the way I did when I unravelled on Monday - which I gave my best shot at repairing by the way). It's a constant juggle, and if you know you know. And remembering that every action we take matters - be it a positive or painful one.


I've been more intentionally holding space for young ones to have their precious voices heard in a room full of noise. It's quite special. It comes in the form of holding a childs' gaze whilst someone older answers a question for them, or when a very loving parent speaks up on a childs behalf for how they feel, or maybe even moving closer to a child sat alone on a sofa looking around at all the grown ups in the room conversing in a way that somehow excludes them, like the back and forth of tennis almost. Of course I'm that person so very often, conversing with another/other adults when my son/children are in the room, and they're on the bench observing for much of it. That's ok, it's life - AND, I see this as a precious time sensitive gift and the time for me to act is often in those moments. Nothing grandeur, subtle and simple and that just feels right.


Perhaps AND most likely this dates back to being a child myself, experiencing all those things I've described above and not being able to name it. Of feeling like a piece of drift wood lost at sea on an ocean that joins another, should I do this or that, should I listen to that conversation or that one over there, what am I meant to be doing, have I missed something important, god I hope no one asks me a question - I can't keep up, and for those times I answered but there wasn't enough space in the room for me to finish my sentence, or the times I said something, anything just to feel like I'm part of the conversation, or dear lord the times I said I knew something when I really didn't - like when years back a partner of 2 years asked me something about the politics of NZ and I made up something like I actually knew! I hadn't a flipping scoobie! Testament to saying something, anything to attempt to fit in and join the conversation. I wonder if I would still do that now, possibly yes - it the most fertile of circumstances. I see young people doing it around me all the time, wanting to look like they're an expert in something they're clearly not. It's kinda cute I guess (as a 5-10 yr old ;) but, when you're 50 something needs to change. Yes of course, my passion and drive to attune to the young most definitely comes from my own lived experience.


This is in large part one of the potent reasons for why creating the SHINE program was so important to me.


Through experiencing first hand the intensity of being not only a first time parent, but a single one for most of sons 12 years. This is by no means an invitation for a pity party, I don't need sympathy - there were countless intentional decisions along the way and by and large I trust it was meant to be this way for me and for us. Far away from home (NZ), figuring it out along the way in alignment to my inner wisdom and intuition.


I had the option of putting up with what life offered, the systems, services and social structures - that frankly seldom met the full spectrum of our needs.


And so I reached out, I did something different again and again and again.


I engaged a sensory occupational therapist, a tutor to support us during those Home schooling days and with transitioning back into school, a paediatric therapist, a Body Worker, a Herbalist, and of late a village of males to support my son through his transition into adolescence - and likely more supports of which I can't quite recall right now .


I changed my sons nurseries until we found the perfect configuration (2 years, 4 nurseries - most stick with one), flexi schooling between 2-3 days per week for the first 2 years, home schooled for one year, shifted to a smaller school further away (5hrs driving per week) and slowly increased days per week at school in the final 4 years, when there were problems in school I used those as beautiful growth opportunities, doing the difficult thing, having the awkward conversations, cheerleading him to speak up and see the 'whole picture' - it's never really the 'thing' that happens, there is usually so much behind it, sending my son to Italy for a week with upwards of 60 strangers he'd never met, with half of them speaking Italian - in an attempt to stress test him for his upcoming transition to High School (going from a school of 20 something to 1600!!!) - you can read more about that here Following the nudge: A mother, a son, a season of growth & Italy, agreeing to drive him across Fife to attend 2 different Basketball Clubs (6+hrs driving per week!) and on and on and on.


I hand on heart believe that the person I'm living with now (my son) is undeniably braver, more confident, more self aware, more prepared for the world had I not made those decisions (which I might add were not easy - EVERYTHING has always been met with resistance), AND it seems evident that enough trust and resilience has built and most things are becoming easier. It would be wrong not to acknowledge that he is also approaching adolescence, so maturity is most certainly playing a part in this.


I thought I'd finished with this section, and here comes another reflection.


I’ve changed too


I've slowed down, let go, tuned in and stopped.


It can't be ignored just how much of an impact that must be having on him.


Growing up with a busy, over thinking, creative, former people pleasing, single mum - being who he is I know has presented him with challenges. Yes I'm tuned into him and have adapted the environment around us to suit what we need but at the core I'm still wired the way I am.

Suffice to say, menopause hit alongside becoming a full time single parent and there was no option but to slam on the brakes.


My sons wellbeing, my wellbeing and the wellbeing of our relationship has thrived as a result.


So despite being a wild ride, menopause has presented me, my son and our life many positives. Ultimately feeling love for where it’s brought us to - here - now. 


Ok if you've been here before you know I think and feel alot and once I open up the space to write it all comes flooding out.


There's much more I could go into - I mean I haven't even shared a smidge of the beauty of my brother and his families visit in July, i'll be soaring off the fumes of those memories for decades to come.


Too much


I lost the plot last weekend, it all felt too much so whilst shelling the broad beans (ingredients for a dip I wanted to make and take to a pals) I collapsed on the couch and cried and cried and cried, everything felt like too much, my body hurt, I was feeling the weight of everything and I had no option but to stop, drop and cry.


My first and only born son (& child) comforted me - offering cups of tea, wrapped in a fluffy blanket and squeezed my arm, together with the magic words 'is there something I can do to help you'. (yes - he's been in training for years, this stuff doesn't come natural to some). He's also a sweet, feeling rich kid and in that moment all I needed was him near and asking nothing of me and pouring a little TLC onto me.


I contemplated cancelling my weekend plans (and finishing off the broad bean shelling!!) and with a little support from my friends managed to go ahead with the intended plan A weekend friend told me to forget everything except running a bath - get in that then reassess. I sent my willing son upstairs to draw the bath while determined not to be beaten by them I took back control from the broad beans.


Then when Monday Basketball fiasco unfolded I felt I was left with little option but to cancel some plans for later that week. Packing a car full of camping supplies for 4 nights and a 16hr return drive to England plus a child to engage in the process, the kindest thing to do felt like cancelling. Gutting, as it was my glorious pal Laura's first Wild & Rooted festival that we're missing :( And trust me when I say I could write a book about how big that decision was!


My system needed a reboot before I ended up looking for something to shoot!.


Time & space the greatest of healers


It's Friday now, so much has shifted. I would love to tell you about that - so maybe with another week of basketball camps on the horizon I could get doing some of the writing I'd planned for this week (hijacked by the unexpected; aka ticks and day hospital admissions, false starts and emergency dental appointments).


Maybe I'll write here again next week - I'd love that so much.


In summary, I don't have Lymes disease, I've not taken an anti-inflammatory since Monday!! (been taking them bi-daily prior to this), there's less pain in my body, I'm feeling rested and I've been moving my body (gym, swimming and back to Salsa/Bachata lesson).


More Than a Programme – A Space to Belong


SHINE – A Deeper Journey has been created from far more than qualifications and professional training.


It has been shaped by years of walking alongside my own son, navigating the joys and challenges of raising a deeply feeling, wonderfully unique child. It has been shaped through my own healing journey, the wisdom gathered in communities that have welcomed me exactly as I am, and through countless hours supporting children, families and adults as me and professionally as a trauma-informed transformational coach.


I've often found myself thinking, "I wish there were more intimate, safe and supportive spaces for our children and their families in these tender years when needed most."


Perhaps what I was imagining didn't exist because I first had to live the journey that would one day allow me to create it.


This is the program my younger self would have thrived in.


A place where both parent/s or caregivers and child feel held.


A place where children don't need to perform, compete, mask or fit themselves into someone else's expectations.


A place away from the constant noise, screens, comparisons and pressure of modern life.


Instead, they are given something increasingly rare...


Time.


Space.


Connection.


Permission simply to be.


Within a small, carefully held group, each child is seen, heard and celebrated for exactly who they are. Together we explore movement, creativity, emotional wellbeing, self-awareness and practical tools that help children better understand themselves and the world around them.


Alongside this, parents and caregivers receive individual coaching because when one member of a family grows, the whole family benefits. Supporting the adults who support the child creates change that extends far beyond our sessions together.


I truly believe that when we create a safe, containing space for one child and their family, the ripple reaches far beyond what any of us could ever achieve alone. It spreads into homes, schools, friendships, future generations and the wider community.


This is how meaningful change begins.


One child.


One family.


One ripple at a time.


What's Included


SHINE – A Deeper Journey is a 10-week program with a 2-week integration break, giving families time to absorb and practise what they're learning.


The investment includes:


* Eight 90-minute child-only group sessions (maximum of four children)

* Two hours of 1:1 trauma-informed coaching for a parent or caregiver (30–60 minute sessions online or in person in Burntisland)

* A midway typed progress update

* A detailed completion report with personalised recommendations

* Ongoing encouragement, resources and practical tools to support lasting change.


The investment is £599 per child/family.


If you're already working with any of the practitioners, therapists or service providers at Solus Holistic, you'll receive 10% off, bringing the investment to £540.


To put that into perspective, my individual coaching is normally £120 per 45-minute session, meaning the parent coaching alone represents around £320 of value. The remaining investment covers 12 hours of specialist work with your child in an intimate group of just four participants, along with personalised reports and the thoughtful preparation that goes into creating a deeply supportive experience.


I know there are easier ways to run programs.


Larger groups.


Less individual attention.


Less follow-up.


That's not what SHINE is about.


This program has intentionally been designed to remain small because every child deserves to be truly known, not simply managed.


My hope is that every child leaves with a stronger connection to themselves, greater confidence in who they are, and the knowledge that their sensitivity, curiosity, creativity and uniqueness are not things to fix—they are gifts to understand, nurture and celebrate.


Because the world doesn't need children who become better at hiding who they are.


It needs children who feel safe enough to become fully themselves.


If this has stirred something in you, and you want support to gently explore how SHINE might be a fit for the little person in your (or someone else's life), please get in touch by responding to this email or emailing directly to bronwyntutty@gmail.com.


Excited to see what happens next.


Please do not hesitate to reach out to me by responding to this email if you have any questions.


With you in it, always.


Bron xx


A gentle invitation for you, the reader


And incase you forgot to remind yourself today, you matter and you deserve to SHINE. X


To stay in touch in a space where everyone is welcome, sign up to my newsletter at www.bronwyntutty.com, I share an occasional newsletter, irregular 'Tutty's Top 3 Takeaways' & blog posts and exciting news about programs and events.


If it’s something in-person that you're after, I am a Trauma Informed Transformational Coach and I'm hooked on coaching! If this interests you, why not book in for a free online 45 minute 1-2-1 discovery call.


 
 
 

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