Doing this all this 'self' work means I've no choice but to dig into the depths of all the 'stuff'. After I returned from NZ at Xmas I could feel the accumulation of past events/feelings etc that had risen to the surface. I wasn't feeling my usual 'aligned' self and knew I was going to have to do some 'work' to get me back on track. I mean, how can I authentically do this work I do without doing the 'self work' when it crops up. No sweeping shit under the carpet going on here.
I'm committed with every cell in my body to having those difficult conversations, saying those challenging things and owning up to how I'm getting in my own way AND moving towards being the person I actually came to this world to be. Free of conditioning. Free of judgement. Understanding of my habits, patterns and traumas. You know, all the simple stuff (said with quite a laugh!)
I had a session this morning. I have committed to doing weekly 50minute sessions for 8 weeks and then to reassess from there. Today was session 5. It was juicy...they always are.
My therapist picked up on me using the word 'sneaky' in relation to myself and separately my son, we delved into why I would choose that word. In relation to my son it was cheeky and in relation to me it was pure self loathing and self judgement born from a time when I used to steal as a child (gulp), and so we delved deeper.
We got into some really gnarly spaces and I was once again blown away by how we'd ended up there, it was nothing like what I'd turned up to the session to talk about. But it was EVERYWHERE I needed to go. I'll spare you all the details of how it unfolded but I would like to share in a 'nicely containing way' that the therapist guided me through making meaning out of actions I took as a child and how I've carried some of emotions/stories/self-beliefs through my life up till this point. The process is really quite amazing. She helped me to gain a new perspective and see that my former 'sneaking around' were acts of pure intelligence. Of a child who's emotional needs weren't met (due to young, busy parents with their own complications to navigate), so she found ways to comfort herself...through lying, stealing, hiding things so as to feel in control of an environment filled with things outside of her control. BIG STUFF.
AND it happened, I managed to flood myself with celebrations and compassion for actually having my own back in those times, for doing what I needed to do to feel ok. Cool eh. I have a new level of self compassion for myself and it is fascinating how its overflowing into my entire being and other areas of my life.
How does that look on the other side? When I go back to my life outside of the session? I almost get busy diving into the 'pulls' of all the distractions but instead go do something physical, practical and useful, by rattling around with a playlist, making beds, putting washing away and sorting my underwear draw out for a timed 25mins! It always feels like a great way to marinade after a 'deep sesh'! After that I'm in a clearer head and heart space and can tackle something work related with a clearer energy in Body, Mind, Emotions and Spirit.
Sending big squishy loves and hugs to you, thanks for tuning in.
Over and out