**EVERYTHING I WRITE ABOUT SPROUTS FROM MY TAGLINE 'RECLAIM YOUR TRUTH'
How do you transition your way from a shitstorm to strength?
I’ve become a pro at preparing my son for transitions and figuring out ways to make them as smooth as possible. When he was younger, it was crucial I got it right (and it worked between 30-50% of the time). As he gets older, the more self-aware he is, the more he’s able to make familiar shifts with more ease. His ability to adjust his expectations with new situations takes energy, it takes work, repetition and patience, AND it's about a gazillion times better than it used to be! Transitions aren’t always easy, but they’re better and now we have the ‘language’ and ‘past evidence’ that if he does certain things, surrounding change, he’ll feel better. When it's something unexpected, it can equal a truckload of heightened energy for both of us. And so the work continues.
Dealing with an unexpected transition.
One morning, a week or so back, I got up early and made my way through my morning routine. At 6.30am, I sat down to write. Before starting, I made the mistake of checking my emails. Awaiting me was an email from my son's father, responding to my emails, in relation to some concerns I had regarding our son, mainly surrounding screen time and the challenges and ripple effect this presents on a daily/weekly basis.
His message didn’t fill me with joy and seemed to ooze avoidance of the issue. What unravelled in me was rage, anger, disappointment and frustration that the points I was making didn’t seem to be taken on board, or even acknowledged.
Much of this has been a pattern between us through our single parenting journeys. Ten years on, it's very easy to spot these patterns and, witnessing the reactions in myself and responding differently, it’s where most of the ‘inner work’ over the years comes into play.
Regardless of whether parents are together or not, I know I'm not alone in struggling with how screens are managed with children and how two parents can have polar opposite ideas of what is and isn’t ok for a child. The dynamic that exists between two separated parents adds a whole lot of colour to the joys of raising a child together.
During that morning, I found myself heading into a spiral of frustration as I thought about the amount of time, energy and resources I’ve personally poured into things surrounding the ‘best interests’ of our son - things I never really felt supported with. A while back, I made a very wise decision: to pull back on how generous I was with the energy I was putting into providing updates and finding workable solutions to the challenges our son was experiencing - together with how we managed those as co-parents. I made a commitment to focus my time, energy and headspace on keeping my side of the road in order and ensuring that any support needs I had were (and are) met outside of the co-parenting arrangement. That has made all the difference. I feel like I’ve found a way to keep hold of my own pool of energy.
This isn’t always easy for me. I’m ruled by a need to follow my truth and speak up to what feels like ‘bullshit’. It’s never straightforward, figuring out what is and isn’t ok, and speaking ‘up’ and ‘out.’ Then, when ‘speaking up’ results in being met with avoidance (which I'll admit is my interpretation), it's downright infuriating! The almost harder and more enriching practice for me has been to change my approach and inject compassion, forgiveness and surrender. Wow! Small and seemingly simple concepts, but actually quite the opposite in practice.
When surrender, acceptance & forgiveness gets easier
That morning, I was quickly able to notice that I had jumped into ‘victim mode’ wondering what I could do or who I could reach out to in order to share how infuriating this was and for someone to validate how I was feeling. Someone who trusts, respects, supports and believes in me. I’d allowed myself to be hijacked over into the wrong flipping emotional lane! In an instant I'd gone from feeling ‘in control’ of myself and full of certainty as to what my morning entailed (coasting at 65mph) to feeling fully ramped up and speeding in feelings and thoughts (overtaking at 100mph)!. Thankfully my insight kicked in and urged me to do something different.
There are countless people who would be willing to validate what I was feeling. However, this wasn’t going to change anything in terms of the challenges at hand, and any responses would only fuel the spiral I had been pulled into.
This is where my magical trio kicked in.
PAY ATTENTION!
TAKE ACTION!
INVEST!
I was quickly able to draw on the simple teaching that Mooji lives & teaches.
PAY ATTENTION: My emotional state had been hijacked! I was obsessing over something that I couldn’t control! I was attached to an outcome I wanted! I was frustrated at myself for going into my emails and distracting myself from writing. More importantly, I wasn’t having a great time mentally and emotionally and I'd launched into fight or flight. I knew it was time to do something different. To TAKE ACTION:
Return to my centre. When I distance myself from the drama I find myself in, and connect to my spirit. A space of peace and calm. (I’ll write more and more about this in new blogs sometime.)
I knew I needed to reach out for support, but not the kind of support that has me wrapped in a fluffy blanket and told how great I am at parenting and how the choices I make for our son are great and that my beliefs, values, and feelings are valid. I didn’t need that!
I needed something more practical; something that would create some productive forward momentum as opposed to the cycle of the old, and familiar, ways.
TAKE ACTION: Ask for some specific help to support me out of the ‘spin cycle’ and compartmentalise this matter so I could get on with writing and not allow this energy to infect my day.
I've got a couple of friends who very much live on the ‘objective’/’pragmatic’/’tell it like it is’ side of life. These are the people I go to when I find myself in a spiral. They know enough of my situation, both mine and my son’s natures, and they don’t get lost in the emotions fuelling a spiral. These are the people that best serve me at these times and they’re like gold to me!
I decide who it feels best to reach out to with a message that goes something like, “hey there’s something that's upsetting me which I would like some support with. I would appreciate another opinion on this matter to help me to move forward. Do you have time and capacity for this and are you comfortable with me sharing more just now?”
What I'm acknowledging by doing this is that, at that moment, I don’t feel great and I need some practical support, so I can move on from this situation I find myself in. I know I'm in a place where I can’t access the tools necessary to keep me in my ‘centre.’ I eventually find my way there AND there is still the matter that needs addressing, which I need support with. (#ItTakesAVillage). Reaching out to a third party, who isn’t emotionally attached, where there is deep love and respect and knowing I don’t have to carry the whole load on my own, means I can get on with my writing (and my day). All the while I keep my son’s best interests at the forefront, and avoid making it about the frustrations I'm feeling or keeping myself stuck in the spiral..
When deliberately choosing to centre, I immediately feel so much calmer and more content.
Frustrations, irritations and anxieties are like strobe lights calling for attention. They will come and they will hang around if you and I let them. BUT I get to shine the light elsewhere if I so choose.
I shook my body like a dog does (always do this in my classes) and, trusting in my body to release the activated energies that had multiplied in my system, to create space for what I actually wanted to be doing. There I was in that space of spirit….centre...zero. I paid attention to the candle that was burning. I sniffed in a hearty dose of self-compassion and glanced around the room at a photo of a loved one and things I was grateful for. I ran my hands down my arms to offer some comfort to my physical being and felt the ripple effect through my nervous system. I was acknowledging that my system had gone into panic and so I was doing something, on a physical level, that supported me to feel a lot safer and more comfortable. My body made sense. I felt back on track! Back in the lane of ‘the morning writing highway.’
INVEST. From there I dived (invested) into my writing. (To think I was on the verge of being pulled away from this…)
Some transitions in life we’re able to plan for. Many we’re not; they often ‘land on us’. I wasn’t prepared for this one and, regardless of whether I’d read that email in the morning, or later in the day, I know my reaction would have been the same. As I write this blog, I'm filled with gratitude for reading it when I did. Imagine reading it at school pickup or with a spare 5 minutes before having to leave the house? I had the gift of sitting there, at my writing space that morning, and dealing with what came up AND got some great material for this blog post!!! Bonus!
I managed to write for 20 minutes; it was glorious and I felt so appreciative for all my tools, teachers and lessons that have resulted in me living a life rooted in truth: my truth. That I can say what I feel needs to be said, to deal with the response, and to have a road map for coming back to my ‘desired lane’, is what really matters. What matters is feeling calm, doing something I love and with purpose and acting in the best interests of my son and not being attached to the outcome; especially where another is concerned.
I accept that we’re each doing our best and that I get to offer compassion to all of us, for whatever way we choose to navigate the’ magic carpet ride’ that is life, in this human body, with this mind that thinks, and as someone who feels deeply about pretty much everything.
The screen thing feels better. I feel more empowered and I've got the self-validation I really needed. I’ve made other decisions, and had the conversations I need to have, with certain people (including my son) in order to share my concerns and look at how to have a respectful and enjoyable life in front of, and away from, a screen. I have my path and he has his and, while I'm responsible for raising him, I accept I can only do my very best to guide him.
Staying true to what really matters to me is vital when navigating transitions. Using the tools and skills I've acquired through being a single parent, and through my personal growth journey, makes all the difference.
Would I want to live a life where I didn’t have these struggles? Probably not. I mean, where is the growth in that? And so, ultimately, I'm grateful to them. Many would refer to these as ‘spiritual teachers’ in a way and they always offer me ways to come back to my truth.
I’m so grateful for the countless clients who open up to me about the challenges that land in their lifes and support them to navigate their way through the motorway of emotions and deliberately ‘choose’ a desired way of being.
If you want to explore more of what it means to come back to your own truth when you feel pushed and pulled in all the directions life throws, maybe coaching would be a good fit. Please get in touch if you’d like to explore this more as I'd love to have an important conversation with you.
Supporting my clients to return to the truth of who they are is at the centre of the work I do. It is so important. Holding space for someone who is struggling with a transition, or something challenging, regardless of what role they hold or play in their own, a child’s, a partner's or an ex-partner's life is such an honour. To support a client to break down the layers in a similar way to what I described above is exactly the type of thing a coaching session can be great for.
We are all doing our best
For clarity purposes, in case this post uproots something in someone. I’m not pointing fingers here about who is the better parent.
I’m simply sharing my truth, surrounding how challenging the screen thing is, then navigating the reality and different beliefs surrounding it.
Since this transition happened, my son has had his 10th birthday. Part of how I celebrated his special day was by buying him an “XBOX” duvet cover for his bed, £30 worth of “VBucks” gaming money and I sat with him for over an hour watching him play. This resulted in another struggle to strength transition in me AND I praised him for how clearly brilliant he is at it! He’s clearly found something he loves and is great at. So, rest assured, I'm not a total gaming bore of a mum!
I remind myself, often, that my son has two parents who love and adore him and just want him to be happy and know that, deep down, we’re all doing our best and things will be okay for all of us!
Thanks for stopping by!
X Bron
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