Updated: Jun 2
I've written this post in my head about 17 times over, complete with edits and updates. You know what they say, 'everything in good time', this is the time.
There's so much I want to say (and there always is); AND I'm determined to do something different and just summarise the key points so that you and I can get on with the business of living our 'One Sweet Lives'.
Why the kit off?
First of all, thank you to Zoe Alexandra for these 'craker' (no pun intended) shots. It seems to be all the rage of late. Well in my circles anyway, we've done it in the Firewalking events with Aprha Wilson and my Wing Women/Soul Sister Amelia and I brought the idea big styles to our BodyLove retreat earlier this year - truth be told the participants can't get their kit off fast enough! So when at a recent in person event as part of the Limitless course I'm doing, when Photographer and course participant Zoe suggested an empowering naked photo shoot it was a no brainer. Basically, to get your kit off and feel the fullness of freedom with bare naked skin; its just so damn liberating. This doesn't really phase me anymore, feels like yup, its only skin and bits, we all have them. Seeing a pic of my bare naked bod on the screen is another thing and hitting send on this post and potentially sharing on socials is another thing again, but as the title goes, this post is all about the 'Bare Naked Truth'. If you're sitting there thinking 'no hope in hell I'll be getting my clothes off any more than I already do', I challenge you to try it sometime, maybe even in a safe supportive space. Provided you're in safe and non-judgemental company where you will be celebrated I reckon you'll be glad you did it!. Maybe not at the next in-laws Sunday dinner mind you. Choose your company wisely and for a first time, getting everyone/most folk involved makes it a million times easier. Maybe attending one of the events I offer would be a good and safe place to start.
Bare & Share
I've been finding things challenging of late. I've kept it low key due to the sensitivity and rawness of my emotions and those of others I love. So, my relationship with a gorgeous soul of just over 1 year recently ended, its rattled me to the core AND brought all sorts of other 'demons' right up to the surface. Demons I may well spend the rest of my days figuring out ways to compassionately live alongside and simultaneously creating time and space to not let them take me over. Breakups are bittersweet, you think you're free of the 'challenges' and then you're (I) faced with all your own shite and reminders of the things that were sweet, and frustratingly can have a habit of feeling sweeter.
I thank you for your compassion for what I'm about to share AND I would invite you to get real with yourself about how often you notice yourself feeling/behaving any of these ways and to have deep compassion for yourself in the process.
I've been overthinking, distracted & impulsive
My boundary setting and sticking to (mostly with myself) have been awol, I've been guilting the shit out of how I'm showing up for my son, the occasional bout of comfort eating (and I'm pleased as punch to say that my relationship with food has improved so much since the therapy I've been having), pissed off about things to do with my single parenting setup, frustrations to do with current visa status and the effort I need to put into staying in this country, staying up too late, not sleeping enough (4-5 hours), getting stuck in my emotions, feeling isolated (despite having a beautifully supportive community), leaving things to the last minute, being late, comparing myself to others, speaking negatively to myself, carrying out addictive patterns (phone, intense focus with something that really doesn't need it, thoughts etc) and worrying. Yes I've been getting carried away focussing on the wrong stuff - whilst also doing my best to do life.
Thank you for witnessing me. That was anything but easy to share x
I've also been leaning into the good stuff
I've been sticking to aspects of my morning routine. Focussing on where there is love, abundance, ease, nourishment, rest, connection, self awareness and more similar good stuff. I've been practising self-compassion in relation to my son (despite him not finding me super exciting because I'm not an X-Box or super keen to play fight - yes I could try harder AND I'm not that keen on that line up), but we've managed some quality connection time during the bed time story and in other pockets throughout the days. I've been getting out into nature everyday. Daily Dancing barefoot in the garden. In the wise words of Joe Dispenza and Dr Sarah Madigan I've been intentionally focussing on what I want instead of what I don't want. Increased the daily mediation to 2x (minimum 40minutes total each day). I went for a run and bought some running shoes! Cold water therapy. High Fiving myself in the mirror daily. I'm getting over myself and connecting with gorgeous pals (I have quite the collective). Doing Yoga with my sweet pal Tess of Yes Yoga. Seeking out opportunities for a laugh. I created a vision board which is loaded with plenty of the delicious things I want and love in my life and put it up smack bang in the kitchen (where I basically live 50% of my life). Chunking my workload (breaking down into manageable chunks), including delegating to my Wing Women.
I'm as upfront as they come
I've talked with my friends and I've phoned my folks and let them in on the full range of my emotions (which I'd never done to this extent before, I grew up in a super staunch 'get on with it' family - emotions no thanks). I've been talking to a select few about how challenging, painful and difficult things have felt. I've felt broken. A couple of peeps shared this with me this week, it somehow makes sense of all that I'm feeling.
Therapy....you have to go down before you can come up
Wish I'd paid proper attention in those times before when I'd heard this. Would that have changed anything? Unlikely nevertheless it helps me to contemplate it. Now that I'm holding space for people in coaching sessions I knew there were still things within me that needed attention. And so in the name of addressing the latest craze of 'unresolved trauma' I've been having regular psychotherapy, massage, coaching, seeing a herbalist and dabbled in a couple of EMDR sessions. I'm onto round two of Eckhart Tolles 'The Power of Now' and have equipped myself with all the deep healing modalities known to man AND I feel like this! You would think I'd have it all figured out by now after all this 'self work', and yet I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE THIS.
The end of the relationship has been difficult. Emotional. Sad.
a Desperate Pity Party & the gift of truth
I went to my weekly Wednesday Nia class this week and one of the regulars said to me 'Bronwyn, you're giving off really desperate energy' - to which I was like, 'I knowwwwwww, and I'm so annoyed at myself for it'. Then later that night at the end of a coaching call, the beauty I was coaching (who I happen to know on a personal level) asked how I was, I told her I was stuck in a pity party, to which she responded 'oh god do you love a pity party'? My response, 'well no I don't flipping love it, but it seems to be quite cosy with me just now'. Direct in your face statements like this are very welcome in my world, I love the gift of honesty - even when it hurts. The good news is, these comments shifted something in me, I woke the following day feeling somehow 'reset'.
Next came the enneagram chat
My coaching client asked if I'd done the Enneagram and if I was a 4. I am. Referred to as the 'Individualist or the Intense Creative'. Although all the entire report doesn't 100% resonate with me its pretty spot on. 4's are basically ruled by their emotions. Another useful piece of the puzzle which helps me to make sense of how and why I often think and feel the ways I do.
[The Enneagram is a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. The Enneagram describes nine personality types and maps each of these types on a nine-pointed diagram which helps to illustrate how the types relate to one another. You can do a free one online here]. I'd love to know what you came up with if you do it...go on please share.
Shining Bright Like a Diamond
So next week kicks off my first ever online course. I'm creating and delivering the entire thing. Its new for me. Its a big deal. Its a bit nerve wracking. People have invested their money because they want support to shine. Its been a great focus for me and pulling together all the content has actually been super exciting. The truth is, I really do love supporting people to shine, and in some strange way its providing an outlet for the tsunami of my emotions. Its a thing isn't it, you teach the thing you are most in need of yourself.
I've dined out on stories of 'Bronwyn this could be business suicide
Running a course when you feel like this, you're not exactly presenting a very good image of having your shizz together', and 'but other people who seem more 'together' are offering courses that are probably going to attract more interest', and 'as if you're going to be able to pull off a course when you're feeling like this' and 'this isn't the right kind of vibe you should be in to be marketing your course to potential clients' and and and and and. FXCK THE ANDS I SAY. I'm showing up as me, the only person I know how to be.
And if there is one thing I've learned over the years through all this self work its to be my authentic self. And my authentic self feels like this AND, aspects of life are difficult just now AND life goes on AND I'll figure it out, I always do. And life is not linear, its never one way or the other, its a dance between highs and lows, ups and downs, calms and storms and dare I say, painful relationship breakups.
The greatest gift of all
My ex partner brought much that was beautiful to my life, and which in many ways has led me here. But one gem that is bringing great comfort is the Eckhart Tolles, The Power of Now. In 'The Now' nothing else matters, its quite a fine place to be. My fav 'now' spaces.
Submerged in water (my fav is laying in the bath with all but my nose under water)
During a massage
Writing (and yes this is W A Y longer than I intended it to be)
Wrapped up in a good conversation (including coaching)
Walking barefoot on the grass
Watching my son sleeping
In a sauna
When I lead a dance class
When listening to certain types of music
In bed with my electric blanket and fluffy or weighted blanket
Wrap it up
Do I feel like I can't do relationships properly? YES
Do I get hyper focussed and lose sight of the bigger picture? OFTEN
Have I been compassionate with myself? YES
Do I trust that this will pass and the takings and growth will be beautiful? YES (and I already do).
I feel better somehow, getting my thoughts down always feels better, cathartic. And somehow when typing like this it like medicine to my mind, it helps me to organise the flurry of thoughts. I've contemplated not sharing this and then as with other posts of a similar 'intense nature', there is usually always someone who feels seen and heard. And so to that I want to acknowledge that if this post has 'touched' something in you then hold yourself gently and know that you are beautiful soul and things are going to be ok. Just take one step and the next one will present itself soon after.
This is something asked at the end of a coaching session. For me these are:
I really love writing
I've always been a big thinker and feeler and I've found a way to use to energise the work I do
I'm doing my best
Things are going to be ok
The relationship was a beautiful gift and presented opportunities for me to be at more peace with myself
This is yet another growth opportunity
And with that I am going to sign off.
Thank you for your time, energy and love. I see you.