"I went for an appointment at the Citizens Advice Bureau last week, it unleashed a full blown trauma response in me and I left feeling worse than when I arrived"
I feel called to write and share this post because i'm leaning more fully into being truthful, it comes quite natural to me AND behind the scenes logistically it takes a lot to keep it all together. I've always had this energy and light within me to shine. I'm a MASSIVE community builder, I believe strongly that together we are the sum of the parts (synergy), when we work together and support each, we lift each other up, we shine brighter and the world is a better place. I pulled a card this morning, it was 'Goddess of Light'. In summary it said that when my light is bright i'm able to spread light to others and they're able to come out of darkness and into the light.
My light isn't always bright. There are areas where I massively struggle. In 3 areas really;
Keeping 'my shit' together. The bits necessary to live in this world together with all the plates I spin (which when trying to organise it all often sends me into a spiral of overwhelm).
When someone I love and respect questions my motives. Often on the back of some Tutty truth telling - which ALWAYS ALWAYS comes from a place of love, integrity and faith in truth being key to the success of our relationship. My delivery isn't always well received and sometimes i'm just knackered so i'm not on my best behaviour (mostly with my son).
When i'm facing something really difficult/vulnerable and I want to retreat and be alone with the discomfort. I somehow feel that if I share it verbally it'll strip me bare (plus it'll take too long amidst all my plate spinning). And sharing will dilute the concentrated nature of the situation (as is the case with my visa....you'll find out more below if you stick around). One of my pals calls me a 'tough little kiwi' for insisting on battling on alone with some of the big stuff. This exhausts me and can tie me in undoable knots.
I'm on it. I'm always on it. Some stuff takes a while to shift. I don't shy away from difficult things, which is why i'm writing this post. It feels difficult and the fact is, there are areas where I could really do with more support; this post is about some of that.
Some of you may have heard versions of this story before, some will have no idea, some of you may have made up something about how my life looks with no actual idea of the reality. Grab yourself a cuppa (i've made a cacao to infuse sacred energy into this post) and settle in if you want to hear more.
I see parts of myself in everyone and parts of everyone in myself. Essentially we're all from and returning to the same place. This post isn't meant to be 'all about me', the intention here is that I may just normalise some things that are difficult for you. And we don't need to do this alone. I hope this post inspires something in you to do something different in an area of your life where you could plain and simple just do with some flipping support so that you can SPREAD MORE LIGHT.
Thank you for being here xx
tHE BACKSTORY
I arrived into Scotland on Jan 9th 2014 for a 2 month holiday, 3 months pregnant and full of hope and excitement about a family life and the future. I'd reconnected and become pregnant to an ex partner - full of hope and belief that things would be different, it had to be easier than the dating game. I'd been single for 2 years, gave myself 3 months at internet dating, I hit it hard, went all in (I say ALL the things that folk think inside and outside of dates but never say). These men just weren't cutting it, it frustrated me so much to dilly dally around with it all. I said to a therapist once 'i'm on the fast track to my future, lets go all in. That's what i'm like with dating, life, everything (not always the wisest approach!). My ex and I knew each other well and liked what we liked about each other, surely that was enough, we'd been separated for 7 years, our feelings for each other had rekindled and off we went. I unintentionally fell pregnant really fast, we were again 'a thing'.
10 years on I've been a single parent for 8 years, it's been challenging, this isn't a post to go into what went awol in the relationship. It was never going to work, I guess I was just FULL OF HOPE and with my rose tinted glasses I avoided addressing the things where we weren't aligned. I had a niggle and I ignored it. I chose what I thought was the 'easy route', how flipping opposite of easy it has turned out to be! AND I was only ever doing what seemed a great idea at the time. Isn't this how and why we all do what we do.
I have to apply and pay to stay in this country (yes I'm considered a visitor), I'm not entitled to any public funds (not even for my son), things aren't straight forward between my sons father and I. I'm peri-menopausal. Would most certainly be diagnosed with ADHD if I could prioritise getting an assessment (which I don't feel called to do). I'm a deep thinking and feeling being, as is my son. Getting out of bed each day we find ourselves in an ocean of thoughts and feelings. I'm self employed and have been for the past 13 years (go me!). I've created a life RAMMED with purpose and that I love (broadly speaking, on a daily it has its challenges). I've gathered a supportive and loving community around me.
AND I want to figure out why the hell the Home Office is saying I need to wait another 2 years before I can be approved 'Indefinite Leave to remain' in this country. It's nothing short of a mother fecking joke! My nervous system is currently on red alert just typing that....i'll just take a micro moment to self regulate (I'll play Dolly Partons 9 to 5 - that song always delivers AND I also get to celebrate I don't work for the man in a 9 to 5 job - double bonus).
And I'm back (plus managed to pull some outfits together for the above photoshoot..triple bonus). Before I get started, I wonder if you've noticed that i've been intentional about shifting my emotional state (cacao, music, gratitude paying attention to how I don't work a 9 to 5 job. I also have soothing music on in the background and i'm covered in fluffy stuff - its a soothing sensory thing). Prioritising sitting down to write this post then writing about something that is deeply triggering calls for serious reinforcements, it's such a gift to have identified my need to acquire tools, to understand myself so well and to have my own back like this.
When a visit to the local Citizens advice fires up all systems
Last week I went to a scheduled appointment at the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau). 2 weeks prior (as encouraged by someone I love dearly and after years of avoidance) I decided to contact the CAB to see if they would help me to understand my Visa situation, after a cumulative 3 hours on hold over several days I spoke with the delightful Bob. He was wonderful, I wanted to get in the car there and then and meet with him over a cuppa and a cake! He needed to check some things with his supervisor so said he'd phone back. That immediately triggered a panic in my system, I pretty much held him to ransom and promise to get back to me, and clearly outlining a plan should I not answer the call when he phoned, if the reminder to phone me back got lost or something should happen to him and our conversation and his notes got lost forever. His reassurance was more than sufficient and I allowed the call to end. He did phone back (love you Bob x) with details of an appointment with Betty in a couple of weeks. He told me to gather all paperwork and come prepared with all the official stuff.
I love a deadline, they feed into much of how I organise my life and get things done (suspect someone in the NeuroDiverse know would call this a mixture of hyperfocus AND the dopamine rush of getting something done in time), there have been things I was needing to gather for years, this appointment with Betty in 2 weeks was just the ticket I needed. Well with the exception of my passport, which was taken off me in May 2023 along with a letter to say 'don't chase us up for the passport, we'll send it back when we're done'. I present to you yet 'another task' I'm not excited about tackling....major trigger for me is making phone calls to government departments/big organisations where I tell myself a HUGE story that i'm going to be thrown around between phone lines, hold music and have to explain my situation about 100 x. I'm in need of some serious coaching around that gear!
On the day of the meeting my son wasn't feeling great so he was with me. My beloved had insisted on attending the appointment aswell,when we met they were armed with a 'Spotify Fortnite playlist' and biscuits to please Poppit and the comfort eater in me. Cute flipping thoughtful acts of kindness like this both soothe my system and imprint happiness in my heart. x
We headed over to the CAB, me full of hope and possibility and me FULL of assumptions that all the challenges in my life would be miraculously sorted out as a result of being sat in front of a real person at this single appt. Soon after arriving Betty greeted us, I'm surprised at myself for not showing up with a cuppa and cake (as I'd imagined having with Bob), good solid self control in my 4th decade! It did take all my effort not to leap in with a hug, yes self control is very strong in me.
We got into the office and I set my son up with his allocated YouTube time (watching 20 something gamers....don't even get me started), the biscuit from my beloved and a bag full of activities (which he never even opened). I piled all my paperwork onto the desk between Betty and I and our meeting started.
In Betty's favour, she did kick us off by saying 'this is a complicated case, I'm not sure that we're going to be able to help you', both honest and somewhat concerning. And on we went. I'll spare all the details but will share some key points from the meeting to bring you up to speed (and probs get some frustrations off my chest ;).
I'm currently on a 5yr parent route visa (of which I produced reams of paperwork from the Home Office to support this fact).
I'm on my 4th visa (first was a family member to a Brittish Citizen, then when I became a single parent I was moved to the 10yr route, then to the 5yr parent route and finally i've been moved to the '5yr parent route' again DESPITE ALREADY FLIPPING BEING ON IT!
It's currently looking like all up it will take till July 2026 until I can apply for 'Indefinate Leave to Remain' giving me the same rights as a UK Citizen. If you do the math that's after living for 12.5yrs in this country.
Betty (bless her, she's just doing her job), directed me to Home Office websites to look through in my own time and read words aloud too me off the paperwork I had produced. #notintheleastbithelpful #overwhelmsetsin.
I questioned why the paperwork showed numbers that didn't add up, and invited Betty to do the math, that exercise never quite landed.
I said it feels important to speak with someone in the Home Office and ask for clarity, to which Betty responded 'I wouldn't question anything they've said or written to you about, you may jeopardize your situation'. To say I felt triggered and enraged would be an understatement. It was exactly whey I was at the appointment - to question and understand the Home Office's decision.
To say I felt triggered and enraged would be an understatement.
And while i'm at it, a little 'behind the scenes' for context.
I've paid around £3000 every 2.5yrs to renew my visa.
With the exception of 6 months of child benefit back in 2016 I've received no other government funding to supplement my living and child raising costs.
I've paid thousands of pounds to to laywers to try and get answers to my visa situation and personal affairs to do with my ex, and to get permission to visit my family in NZ with my son (See Hague Convention on Child Abduction).
All up it costs around £10K a time to visit my family in NZ (I've managed to go back 3 times in the past 10 yrs, twice with my son), in 2022 I blew £3K in flight mishaps (welcome to my world of making hasty and not always thought out decisions....).
I invest in taking care of myself and my son, the support we need I most often pay for privately. I pay for coaching and business support. I invest in my business and in equipment and resources to support me to deliver a 'quality' service.
I never showed up on this earth to live an ordinary life
I've always known that. I've spent much of my lifetime tirelessy squeezing myself into boxes to make the best out of what life throws at me. I'm always incredibly intentional about seeking a deeper meaning behind everything.
Making a life that really means something for myself and my son has been and is anything but straightforward. The above alone is enough, throw the hormones, my neurospicy mind and some serious thinking and feeling into the mix and it's a wonder I get out of bed each morning, let alone sit down at my laptop to pour some thoughts into the keys and produce a post like this.
I live by the philosophy that every challenge presents an opportunity. In times like these I refuse to accept it AND it turns out to be true every single time.
the aftermath and the need for community
We left that appointment, I was in knots inside and out. I had to take some time out from my support crew and just be with me. I wasn't feeling great, I was feeling really really aweful actually. We went for a cuppa and a cake then back home to an afternoon/evening of intensity between Poppit and I. Bless that child, he picks up on every little emotion I'm feeling and fires it right back to me with a full throttle force. Yesterday my wise pal Alison Peacock desribed that kind of moment and those people (who illuminate big feelings) spiritual teachings and teachers. So so true!
That night the solar eclipse happened and most likely some retrograde situation in the planetary system. All I know is everyone around me was talking about how intense things were going to feel and in these days MASSIVE matters from the past would rear their heads. So I allowed myself to throw that in the mix ;)
Get it out and down
The following day I was to meet up with my pal and Thrive partner in crime Tess, I wasn't feeling amazing and I had a Nia class to teach. Tess met me beforehand and before I knew it I was spilling my gutz with all the details, there was so much I was upset about. It didn't feel fair and the most difficult part is I wasn't sure how to move forward with all the unravelling I needed to do with my Visa but also with the immensity and intensity of everything. The cry felt great. Tess lovingly insisted that I get out of my head all that I was holding and that needed done and to request support from my community, anything no matter how big all small - that together as a community we can pull together the support and expertise to help me move through this mountain. The class supported me to feel even better. I shared a little with one of the attendees, just to normalise, her simple words 'just take the next step, this will pass' was so comforting.
I messaged my WhatsApp crew 'Witches' (super close pals) and shared that I was having a difficult time and to remind me of what I'm capable of and to pour words of love and support into me to help me to move forward. Their words and offers of support were delicious and gave me the extra oomph to take the next steps.
I spent an evening with my beloved and was supported to create that list (not entirely sure where it even is now...a lot happens around here in a week!), and I know what I need support with. Writing this blog post is a big part of that, just openly sharing some 'behind the scenes' of what I find difficult and opening myself up to my community in the process. That includes you, I absolutely see you as someone in my community - all of us, we're in this thing together.
some very clear requests which will or won't be a full bodied F YES
Do you LOVE navigating your way through government paperwork and websites (in particular the Home Office & immigration matters?) and would you like to offer some support to me?
Do you love seeking and applying for funding to enable community projects to go ahead? Like Thrive that I have created with my pal Tess?
Running a business and marketing my services can feel U N R E L E N T I N G and if I'm not careful can squeeze the joy out of some of the behind the scenes in pulling it all together. The following shares are invitations to work with me in some capacity to support me to share more of what I do which is ultimately to help people return to their most authentic and free selves.
If you'd like to explore if 1-2-1 coaching with me is a 'fit', click here to book a free no obligation sweet conversation to support you with stepping more fully into your One Sweet Life.
Do you need to move your body more in a fun, non-judgemental and freeing way? Check out the classes I have on in Edinburgh and Fife www.bronwyntutty.com
Are you craving time together to feel part of community, to share in some gorgeous healing practices and food with an extraordinary community? Join us at Bron at the Barns Sunday 21st April 10am-5pm
Would you like to join Amelia and I at our upcoming BiteSized BodyLove event in Edinburgh Saturday 15th June 11.30am-6.30pm, get in touch to find out more.
Amelia and I are also bringing a winter BodyLove to the people October 25th-28th at a luxurious venue in Taynuilt, Scotland, get in touch to find out more.
Would you be up for donating something towards a pot so that folk in the community who might not be able to access my services can participate? If so, please email me for more details.
EVERYTHING I do is for the greater good #FACT.
If anything I have shared strikes a chord in you I would so love you to get in touch.
new website coming soon!!!!
You may have noticed some new colours popping up in my shares. I'm working with a gem and his team on my new website. It'll be here super soon. You can expect to feel more of my authentic energy, a more accurate showcase of what I actually do and it'll all be much easier to navigate your way through to what you're looking and/or booking for.
If you feel called to attend one of my classes or events - I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU,
If something here speaks with you, tell one person about it.
And one more thing for you to ponder
Where to you get the support you need to navigate your way through this magic carpet ride called life? Could this post be a gentle reminder to take a little time and space to get clear on that and figure out what needs tweaking and where you could reach out for support so you can shine a little brighter?
If you take nothing else from this post, may I pretty please request that you leave with this.
THERE IS GREAT POWER IN THE COLLECTIVE SUPPORT OF A COMMUNITY
XX Bron