“YOU ARE ALREADY WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING”
Mooji, May 14, 2022
I ran my first solo full day retreat (Bron at the Barns) recently (and was supported by a cracker of a venue, events manager, a chef and two of my delightfully talented pals who were my wing woman for delivering an intimate event), it was amazing!
At the beginning I shared a little context on something that has become so profound for me in the past 6 or so months. At an incredibly pivotal part of my share 2 birds slammed into the window nearest us and died on impact.
Different folk will identify with what I'm about to share as a range of different things, but as far as I'm aware we're all referring to the same thing. I'll do my best to do justice and share a few describing words...consciousness, centre, god, intuition, presence, unconditional love, emptiness, awareness, sentience, sensitivity....I'm sure there are many who would give me a stern talking to for probably using a word that is out of context - to this, I'm sorry. I'm doing my best to share something profound here so lets all do ourselves a favour and not get caught up on words. I will trust that you've grasped the 'sense/space' I'm referring to.
While I was doing that share I was holding up this pic which I was inspired to make after a workshop I ran on October 1st 2023 which helped me to make sense of some challenging times I was experiencing. It was in large part inspired through a Mooji Satsang (a spiritual discourse or sacred gathering) which had found its way into my life around that time. Mooji referred to this space of 'centre' which is unchangeable and timeless. This picture here shows loads of beads of different textures, shapes and colours. And in the centre are some pink ones which are that space 'the centre'. That everything around it represents life, responsibilities, past, future, memories, ideas, thoughts, things we identify with, things to do, things that happened and need to happen, the bright red outer represents the 'ring of fire', that feeling when you're completely LOST in the bollocks of a situation and are totally consumed by the mind. Those outers represent all the things that come with having a human existence. In there centre, its not about being human, its about 'being'.
I mentioned I'd been having a difficult time, I was reeling from the aftermath of 5 really big conversations/confrontations and wasn't quite sure where to put all my feelings. I felt like I'd surely 'break', that I was a horrible person, that I was heartless, thoughtless and careless and that I'd fxcked up some really beautiful friendships. Turns out I'm none of those things, I was just labelling the way I was feeling as all these things, which was the masterful work of my mind time.
I care immensely. I feel intensely. I think deeply. I have a knack for what some would call 'speaking without thinking'. And, I also speak truth. I somehow have mastered the art of saying what I'm thinking and it doesn't always land well with the other person. The opportunities for true and challenging conversations are plentiful in my world. It's just the way I am.
This concept of the centre and the commitment I then went on to make in Moojis satsungs and the community saved my flipping bacon. And not just for the challenges I was experiencing at that time but what I was learning helped me to make sense of where I had 'lost myself' to the ways of life throughout my life and a presented a pathway to freedom which I knew I would commit to forever more. I was able to apply these teachings to every area of my life and being. It was T R A N S F O R M A T I O N A L! I found a way (or it found me) to not attach to every single feeling, emotion, thought and sensation. I was presented with a very simple tool kit which would change the face of everything (I didn't realise that at the time but looking back over the past 7 months and my consistency with the practice, the proof is most certainly in the pudding). This tool kit I know will also serve me well in relation to my journey going forward and support me with remaining grounded and present with any life challenges, growth and expansion I face.
I've done a lot of courses, I've paid a lot of money, I've invested my time, energy and heart into many people, movements and practices. I'm a people person. I'm an empath by nature. I'm a personal growth junkie. I seek a deeper meaning in everything. I see potential in all people and all things. I'm a recovering co-dependant. I'm sensitive. I identify with being neuro diverse. I'm a creative. I'm a manifesting generator (human design), I'm an intense creative (Enneagram), I'm on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn (birthday is 22nd December, a dance between creativity and organisation/control), on the Chinese calendar I'm a Rabbit (supposedly the luckiest of all signs), I'm a single parent, I'm a very long way from home (NZ). I'm really really committed to making the most of my one sweet life. All of those ingredients have made finding my centre and being consistent with it anything but easy.
And I've found a flipping way. A way to dance with all that makes me me, life, big conversations, dramas, pain, death, truth, living with purpose, and feeling supported no matter what.
The best way to describe what I've found and now live each moment and each day by is a timeless, formless, ageless and eternal bliss (the centre, it never changes, it never leaves, it never asks anything of me, it's not connected to my body, its always there, it just is). I don't need to do a course or complete an exam to be qualified and I don't need to look this way or that. I get to be exactly who i've always been and I get to tune into that part of me. Its priceless.
This realisation has changed EVERYTHING about how I show up in the world but most especially how I show up for and in myself. It is infusing all my relationships, my truth, my commitment, my classes, my coaching sessions, my branding and has inspired my brand new tagline 'Reclaim your truth'. It's so beautiful, expansive and really fxcking exciting (in a really calm and grounded way!). This realisation holds me in a way nothing else has in such a sustainable way.
Those birds that day were our teachers in that moment. The very metaphor for what I was describing.
We humans can get so caught up in all the static around the outside (as in my bead pic). If we're not careful and 'on it' we get pushed and pulled all over the show, we can lose ourselves. I think life will be better once we have, be or do this or that. We strive for success and significance in ways that deplete (me included), we overthink and overdo when really we just need to chill the F out.
We had a ceremony that day for the birds, it was such an honour and a gift to celebrate their life and entwine the beauty of their death into what we had gathered at Bron at the Barns to share and the journey I felt called to lead (which was essentially a focus of 'Welcome Home', back to your truest self through dance, journaling, transformational group coaching, nature connection, sharing food, sacred circles, sound, relax and reflect).
We prayed for the birds, we buried them (with the help of pro gardener and ex partner Michael), we gathered in circle and we journeyed 'home' to our truest and most authentic selves. We trusted that we were exactly where we were meant to be and who we were meant to be with right in that moment, on that day, in life.
If ever we needed proof that we were on the right track in this wild ride called life, those birds were it.
Thank you for reading and I invite you to get honest with yourself about what you do to come back home to your truest self.
x Bron